One year ago today…

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September 10, 2011
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In the first of what will be a number of "one year ago today..." posts I foresee this week...

Let me just say that this anniversary sucks. This is not something to celebrate. It was one year ago today that my world crashed down around me. From a simple chat at my mother's breakfast table to being admitted to the hospital less than 3 hours later, this is a day I would rather forget.

I went in to Labor and Delivery due to a small amount of bleeding, and ended up admitted at just 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  Within those first few hours in the hospital we were told to let this pregnancy go- that i was too dilated to stop what was happening... and that our baby would not survive because it was too early.  Luckily, Peter and I did not listen to any of the doctors, and we held on for 6 harrowing days, and delivered a beautiful little boy who will be turning one next week.

Even with the wonderful outcome, remembering that first day at Alta Bates is full of emotion.  I may never get through this anniversary without shedding a tear, but I hope that as the years progress the tears will be easier to take.  For this year, i will let myself cry, be angry, be hurt and be relieved.  And when that doesn't work, I will try to remember what my dear friend Elisa has renamed this day: The 1st Anniversary of the day I became one bad-ass, fierce, "if-I-can-keep-him-in-just-5-7-more-days-I-just-might-save-his-life" WARRIOR.  It has such a nice ring to it.

To help bring a smile to my face, and remind me how things turned out, a little moment of zen:

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[…] Barreling towards Sam’s second birthday has been really different than it was last year. This time last year, I was consumed with anxiety and fear; terrified about everything I would feel as I neared his […]

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