Why is asking for help so hard?

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April 3, 2014
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You would think, with all I have been through, that by now I would be an expert at asking people for help.  Or at least accepting help when it is offered to me.

The reality is, I am terrible at both.  I hate leaning on people.  I hate needing help.  I feel guilty every time I accept help.

This past week, I have had the opportunity once again to see how bad I am at this.  I threw my back out on Monday and needed people to help me with everything.  I needed someone to drive me to the ER at 9PM.  I needed someone to be in the house with the kids.  I needed someone to sit with me in the ER until they doped me up enough that I could walk to the car.  I needed someone help me make the kids lunches the next day.  I needed help driving the kids to school.  I needed help picking the kids up from school.  I needed help bathing the kids and getting them to bed.  Hell - I needed help getting myself breakfast and lunch... and prescriptions.

And that is just half of what I have needed help with.

I am lucky to have good friend and amazing parents how live close by.  I have not lacked for people to help me.

What I have lacked were the words "I need help".

In all of this, I only asked for help when my back first went out.  Of course, when my dad asked if I needed to go to the ER, I said I didn't know.  In reality, I knew.  I just didn't want to burden him by saying yes.  Once my parents were here and they saw the pain on my face, I still told them I wasn't sure I should go to the hospital.

When I broke down in tears trying to change into leggings from the jeans I was wearing, I still didn't ask for help or to go to the hospital.  It wasn't until my mom gave me that look only a mother can give and said "You are GOING to the ER" did I finally agree.

Now, four days later, I am still not asking for or gracefully accepting the help that my parents have selflessly been giving me.

And now I find myself asking why.  Why am I so unable to accept help?

I am a proud and independent person.  I often think of myself as someone who can do everything - no matter what.  I hate the feeling of failure when I realize that I can't do everything.

This is something I am working on - but obviously... I have a very long way to go.

Oh... and Mom and Dad... since I know you are reading this... you are the BEST.  I do not know how I would have gotten through the past few days without your assistance... ok... the past few years without your assistance.  I am so damn lucky to have you guys in my life.

Sam the Anti-Preemie's Gandparents

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