Day 79: December 4

December 5, 2010

Sleep deprivation and the stress of the past few days has started to take it's toll.  The positive facade I have managed to have for the past 70+ days has tarted to crumble.  Little things now seem like major problems.   I am taking everything much harder and having the worst time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Some of my issue has to do with no longer seeing a light at the end of the NICU tunnel.   A few weeks back, everyone was talking about Sam going home this coming week.  Now, that possibility is gone and it has not been replaced with anything. Its obvious Sam isn't ready to go home, but I feel as opposed to just pushing things out a little, we are taking major steps backwards.

All the doubt and fear I should have had early on about the quality of life Sam will lead, has finally surfaced as well.  Nothing has happened to indicate that there will be any major long term disabilities... I am just not able to keep my positive attitude going.  Now, i feel more and more like I am slipping into the dark side of being a NICU mom, where every little setback (real or perceived) sends me into a tailspin- convinced that there is something terribly wrong.

Sam is OK- but he is still not himself.  He is really sleepy still from the surgery.  The doctor said the drugs should be out of his system by now, but he is still not really waking up at all.  On top of that, he is still having some issues digesting his feeds.  This was the issue before he even had the surgery.  On top of all that is the fact that Sam doesn't cry.  He has let out a few whines... but he just doesn't seem to react to anything.  This has really started to bother me.  It doesn't seem normal.  I have no idea what it could mean... but it bothers me.

Bottom line, I am worn down.  I need Sam to snap back to the baby he was a week ago so I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.  I need a win and I need it now.

Linda & Steve Goldfarb
Oh my. Melissa, you have been positive and brave and strong beyond the realm of human-ness (is that a word?). Your feelings are so totally normal but so un-you that it has to feel depressing to “feel.” it’s a blip, Sam has rallied before and he will again-/the surgery probably took a small toll in his resilience. Time. Easy to say, but I’m sure your lightness will return. It’s who you are and Sam’s personality will return–it’s who he is. Stay strong, “feel” your feelings. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you have been doing. Light will come. Linda and Steve

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